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Six Pack: Biker Flick Rants and Raves by Dean Micetich

 

Everyone who's quaffed a cocktail with DicE co-founder Dean Micetich knows the man can weave a wicked yarn. Whether it's the tall tale about Cocaine Larry's train ride in the shit-stained Levi's, or his own last-minute blowfish epiphany at the tattoo parlor, this charming man has the gift of gab.

As it turns out, Dean also has a discerning eye for epic filmmaking. If Gene Siskel weren't already dead, Dean's favorite biker movies would probably kill him. I know they'd leave Roger Ebert speechless, which is why we asked Dean to review six biker classics in this lighthearted installment of our regular ChopCult feature.

 

The Cycle Savages

 

CYCLE-SAVAGES

 

Who needs to even watch a film with a title like this? Holy shit nuts! Watching the film might actually even spoil what I have in my mind about it. Wouldn't it be so sweet if the bike scene as we know it today was still as cool as it was back in the savage '60s? I mean imagine you're standing there in 1969 and a rumble is about to go down and instead of throwing a punch, you run back home and post on a biker forum something like, "Fuck those guys...they are total posers." Awesome!


The Angry Breed

ANGRY-BREED

 

This film totally blows. From what I could gather by looking at the pixelated picture of the cover I found on Google, it's about a bunch of guys who ride crazy choppers across country and drink booze with their friends and sleep around with really loose women (disgusting) and basically don't have real jobs and waste their lives being greasy and totally gross. I would hate to be like them. Give me the film Robocop any day. Now he's a badass!


The Hard Ride

THE-HARD-RIDE

 

A lot of people would say I'm an idiot because most people who do film reviews actually watch the film so they can give a detailed description of it. However this is wrong and it takes way bigger balls to not watch it and then give an an absolute biased opinion on it. I have huge balls by the way. Anyway I was in a bar the other night and noticed there were only males in attendance and they looked very well groomed and toned. It was also apparently film night because 'Little Shop Of Horrors' was playing on the big screen. Now I'm not a homophobe, quite the opposite, I love gays. Not like that though! Every time someone in the film would say anything, ie: "Lie back and open your mouth…" the lumberjack barman would scream, "Oooooh, that's what I told him last night!" It was one of the greatest nights of my life.


Killers On Wheels

KILLERS-ON-WHEELS

 

You know what is the real killer on wheels people? Yes, you got it in one. Texting and driving. Don't fucking do it! PS: Shit film.


Moto Vampiro

MOTO-VAMPIRO

 

OMG! OMG! OMG! I LOVE this one. It's so realistic and the effects are totally kick ass! The main guy is a hunk, the main girl is a total slut bag and there is even a great fight scene where they break people in half by doing roundhouse wizard ninja kicks on their asses. This one really has it all. I didn't think a biker film could be this good. Oh fuck! Wait—I had the wrong disk in the player.


Hell's Belles

HELLS-BELLS

 

Well first off I'm totally bummed on this one. Not one chick in the picture is wearing a Pendelton or a pair of Vans? Hello! You call yourself a biker? I don't think so! I mean imagine you’re standing there in 1969 and a rumble is about to go down and instead of stabbing someone in the throat, you are too busy looking at those super cute green slip-ons that have three days left on eBay. Get it together woman!

For a hearty dose of Dean Micetich every day, read the DicE blog.

For subscription and merch info on DicE, go here.

And for what might be the most cerebral rant on biker films extant, go here.


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Comment with Chopcult (21)

Commented on 3-17-2010 At 12:10 pm
 

Awsome! I'm going to move these right to the top of my Netflix queue! Wait, the reviews suck. Nevermind, I won't watch these. Hold on, do they suck? Shit, I can't tell. Aw, hell, I'll watch one sometime... maybe...

Commented on 3-17-2010 At 12:44 pm
 

Wicked reviews! I wonder if I can get Moto Vampiro on blue ray?

Commented on 3-17-2010 At 03:24 pm
 

Awesome!!My faves are Hell's Angels '69,Wild Angels and Devil's Angels.They have bikes I can stare at all day.

Commented on 3-17-2010 At 03:59 pm
 

You forgot my favorite: "She Devils on Wheels"!! That's the bike gangs are s'posed to be run. A bunch of horny chicks (some attractive, some...well linebacker-ish) meet up on the weekends to drag race their stock bikes for the right to choose first pick of the awaiting male groupies for an afterparty/orgy back at their clubhouse. This movie has got everything: a lavender triumph that wins every race, a rumble with a rival gang (dudes who want to race their cars vs. chicks who want to race their bikes), mc gang vests made of colorful felt with cute cat-face back patches, anti-monogamy torture scene, limerick freestyle poetry by bikerchicks, and a beheading!! Quick, watch it before your brain melts all over your stock road glide fairings!!

PS-send me your copy when you're done. i'm in iraq and my copy got lost back in the states

Commented on 3-17-2010 At 04:40 pm
 

That's what I'm talking about!!

Commented on 3-17-2010 At 09:04 pm
 

if there is a luchador somewhere in the vampire bike movie, i'm going to have to go ahead and claim it to be the best movie ever. perhaps a chimpanzee could be thrown in there for good measure too.

Commented on 3-17-2010 At 11:49 pm
 

How about "Hells Angels On Wheels"?Has that epic ending where the club leader(pres) launches through plate glass window then wrecks on a parking curb & bursts into flames and......the end.They should of made a sequel w/Jack Nicholsen as Pres.I assume he got the girl too.

Commented on 3-17-2010 At 11:57 pm
 

Hell Ride presented by Q.Tarantino w/Larry Bishop is my fav. biker flick.This one is actually pretty enjoyable.

Commented on 3-18-2010 At 12:18 am
 

i want a copy of moto vampiro!

Commented on 3-18-2010 At 03:58 am
 

Forgot about "Pink Angels"

Commented on 3-18-2010 At 12:58 pm
 

Hells Angels on Wheels has some of the best bikes, if you haven't seen it, get it. Not the best movie ever, but watchable and the bikes are great...

Hells Belles is actually a watchable movie, no 'choppers' but a lot of Triumphs, desert racers, etc, my wife actually made it all the way through it without leaving the room, which happens with most of the biker movies I force her to watch...

Commented on 3-18-2010 At 10:13 pm
 

Adam Roarke again? Is he wearing those stupid shotgun sunglasses?
'Look at me, I'm a giant bug!'
Whatta waste of film...

Commented on 3-18-2010 At 10:52 pm
 

Funny as shit! I love it...keep it coming! (by the way, thats what he said last night!)

Commented on 3-18-2010 At 11:04 pm
 

What the FUCK? The ANGRY BREED? James MacArthur? Maybe you have to be a bit older to appreciate Dan"O" and the original John Boy Spencer as a 5 foot 4 inch biker. I wonder if they ever considered him for Electra Glide in Blue. You HAVE to be shitting me... Especially with COMIC fucking scenes like this one

http://www.jamesmacarthur.com/AngryBreed/AngryAlbu...

Sad

Thanks for the reviews though, FUNNY and good points

~Rev Mike

Commented on 3-19-2010 At 09:49 pm
 

i want to watch the vampire moto flick. where can we get these on dvd?

Commented on 3-20-2010 At 05:08 pm
 

So cool. So suave. So... snarky. Nice to see Dean hitting the CCult board. BTW, Dean. Im the guy in NJ that u sold that funky girder leaf spring front end to. Have I got a story for you...

Christopher

Commented on 3-21-2010 At 01:55 am
 

Dawn! Shock of reality and bike culture... Awesome posters and reading! This kind of article keep reminding me why I like this place so much!

Commented on 3-22-2010 At 04:17 am
 

awesome. now watching copies of all 6 on ebay.

Commented on 3-23-2010 At 02:58 am
 

I like that everybody does that stupid monkey dance in every movie and that, in the love-in scenes, the girls always keep those massive bras on. Priceless.

Commented on 9-29-2011 At 11:46 pm
 

Debutante "too itching"? Gross dude, that's not free love, prescriptions cost! Still trying to figure out how dude with the crow bar arm works the throttle!

Commented on 12-2-2014 At 01:39 pm
 

Big Chrome baby is a beaut in Hard Ride. That's a sexy bike. Otherwise probably the most watchable movie in the list.

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